January 2024 | Childhood Curiosities

Written By Meg De la Torre | Linguist of Love

“I find peace in places others fear.” [January 2024 | Affirmation]

Prompt 1 | What moment from my childhood am I most grateful to have experienced?

The only moment that I hear echoing throughout my memory in this moment is about my father. For necessary context, my father was abusive in many ways throughout my life, but this memory is one of the good days. I was around the age of seven or eight on this particular summer day. My sister and I had been told we were going to go with our parents to look at RVs, and as we drove on through on the 101-highway, I could see the peaks of some metal structures that I -knew- were for a theme park. As they drew closer, I excitedly looked over at my sister whose eyes were lit up with the same wonderment. We had never been to a theme park but had always enjoyed the fair whenever it rolled through the Valley. I remember I was afraid to wish aloud, for I had already been told the plan was to go look at RVs, so I silently wished to go one day.

Closer and closer, the structures somehow continued to pull us closer towards a sign that read Six Flags Magic Mountain. I finally asked the question on both my sister’s and my own mind: “Are we going inside?” We were both surprised when our parents confirmed our cautious suspicions. —But, the memory I wish to share happened within the park gates.

As my father made a bee line for our first rollercoaster, I quickly became alarmed as I realized the velocity of the coaster car along the tracks. I saw the loop of the “Great American Revolution,” and peered over at my sister who shared my feelings as we approached the queue. I hadn’t known this at the time, but this coaster was the world’s first 360-degree looping rollercoaster. I felt fluttering in my stomach, and I couldn’t discern whether this feeling was excitement or fear. And because this moment would be my first rollercoaster, I decided upon fear.

I looked up at my parents, “I’m scared.” Both my sister and I were quietly feeling queasy as we drew nearer to the front of the queue. My father, a very blunt and often emotionally calloused man, looked at me with an emotionless expression.

“No, you’re not. You’ll go on and love it.” I held my fear quietly, not daring to question what he had said. As we loaded into the coaster car, my father helped fasten me in the seat. The moments in which we climbed up the first hill felt longer than the thirty-seconds it actually took to reach the first crest. I could feel my stomach preparing to handle the loop as we approached the tall structure as we sped faster and faster.

I looked over at my father who wore an expression of joy, something he didn’t often express. If my father showed joy, I was careful to not burst that bubble of safety. So I relaxed as we flew through the metal loop. I surrendered the fear and enjoyed the euphoric elation of being lifted through the air, despite gravity’s pull.

As we exited the coaster car, my sister and I joyfully reconnected over the experience, remarking how we felt as we had approached the loop. “I want to go again!” We both exclaimed as we skipped through the exit. My father smiled at his validated prediction as he led us to another rollercoaster.

Prompt 2 | What is my biggest take-away[s] from this memory?

There are two major take-aways that I glean from this memory. I first learned here that fear and excitement on on opposing sides of the spectrum, meaning that if you experience fear, there is a way you can transmute that fear into excitement. Most of the time, you only need to try it first or to remember that you survived it previously. This realization laid the groundwork for how I have lived through fearful moments. I began to nurture the part of me who is more fearful of never trying than the part of me who fears how the fall will feel. As I faced situations that have evoked fear, I have practiced channeling that excitement or joy that arrives after trying. If you wish for something, the Universe -will- deliver it to you. Thus, your challenge is to not fear it when it shows up at your doorstep.

Secondly, I was able to capture a more clear view of my father. As I met his inner-child on that rollercoaster, he became a little more human to me. Despite how much fear I often had of him, I could relate to the human being within him. In the moments I was most scared of him or hated whatever he had done out of anger or frustration, the human in him I met on the “Revolution” helped me to fear him less. I practiced navigating towards that safety within myself, so that I can do things I initially fear. I left the stability of a teaching career for a more emotionally fulfilling path. I wanted to feel joyful and passionate in my day’s work and accomplish things that light my soul’s spirit. In these moments, I can choose to hear my own echo of my father on his best day, “No, you’re not scared. You’ll get on and love it.”

Tarot Lay | January 2024

Card Position I | What childhood curiosity is my inner-child seeking after?

Card Position II | What can I do to show my inner-child that I hear their curiousity?

My January Reading | My inner-child is curious to seek after -rest- and -enjoyment-, with curiosity aimed at safety to relax within a romantic relationship. I am being guided to be Mother to myself and to give the gift of life to myself, prioritizing rest and resetting to avoid burnout. I am being challenged to open my heart, as I grow trust and feel safe to do so. I can show my inner-child that I hear her curiosity by sacrificing small pleasures to invest in my long-term success. As we wish to rest and avoid burn-out, I am being advised to meditate and allow options to reveal themselves to me. I am encouraged to be the change I wish to see and to take a step —no matter how small— to ignite a ripple of change. I am being prompted to take care of the Earth and provide the opportunity to resolve our conflict with the Earth, as I will be focusing on in our Spring Give Back Service Project.

Love Homework — Accomplished!

—Love Homework—

Take one baby step towards that curiosity your inner-child seeks to explore the most.

What is a baby step I can take to experience resting and enjoying [giving + receiving] love? I can let people know right now that I love and care for them, give people more trust as I feel safe to do so, and I can listen and feel when people try to love me in return. Being present while someone loves me has been the most difficult for me, as someone who lives alongside Complex PTSD. So presence in love is a constant and evolving area of growth for me.

And in regards to rest, scheduling time to rest and prioritizing time to reflect and take care of Self are areas that I can take baby steps in for my inner-child who wants to enjoy more of what life has to offer. This month, I spent time retreating to Joshua Tree with Danielle and Alex to Release Rage, Restoration, and a Reset. I cannot explain to you how much more energized I was able to return to projects, because I took time to get deeply in conversation with myself. This experience has reminded me that I am -indeed- worth that time investment to hold me, love me, and hear me.

Meg De la Torre | Linguist of Love https://linguistoflove.com